I’ve got 99 problems…and they are all Cats
I should start out by saying that I am not a fan of the musical Cats. I am, however, a fan of movie musicals. There was never a time when I wasn’t going to see Cats. After that disastrous first trailer, I thought that maybe it’d be good for a few laughs. I was so, so wrong. I have narrowed my grievances toward cats to 99 and I’m ready to share them with you (spoilers ahead…you’ll thank me later):
1.) The cats were neither human enough, nor were they cat enough. It appears that a decision was never made on which direction to go. It seems like this would be THE decision to make before embarking on production.
2.) The whole concept, or lack thereof. Piggybacking off of #1, it seems that nobody came to a consensus on what the overall concept of the film should be. Would it be a new filmed version of the show? Should we add a barge in the middle of the Thames? Should a chandelier fly and linger in the air? Yes! The answer to every idea was yes. Nobody stopped to ask why, or if the concepts complimented each other?
3.) The cinematography and camerawork were dizzying. The cuts were quick and plentiful. The hand-held camera moved quickly and shook. Was this done intentionally to distract from the abysmal and horrific special effects? Maybe…but I can’t say for certain that anything in Cats was intentional.
4.) The cats in Cats looked genuinely lost. Like they had no idea what was going on. While one cat sang a godawful song, the others just looked confused. It is likely that they were confused.
5.) I’m going to try and give the actors the benefit of the doubt. They signed on to be in a big budget movie musical, based on a very successful stage show, directed by an Academy Award-winning director. While they filmed, they probably weren’t aware of the CGI terrors that would be added later.
6.) James Corden. I’m disappointed in him. In September, he gave an epic response to some bullshit fat-shaming that Bill Maher did on his show. (Fun fact: Bill Maher cakes on more makeup than anybody in Cats, stage or screen) Yet, he took the role of Bustopher Jones, a cat who exists just to be fat. That is the joke. Bustopher Jones is fat and eats a lot. Get it? Yes, but I don’t want it.
7.) But Alex, you might say, of course it is weird, don’t you know… YES! I know. I’m familiar with the show and its source material. It isn’t that the film version of Cats is weird. It is just bad. There is nothing whimsical about it. Nothing. It is strange, but with no direction. Who is driving the cat bus?
8.) Andrew Lloyd Webber is not a credit to musical theatre. Look, I love Jesus Christ Superstar, but aside from that, most of his work is all spectacle, no substance. Does the show work without all of the fancy costumes and falling chandeliers? No? Then you may want to revisit the book. Perhaps Webber’s biggest display of putting on a show just to rake in piles of cash was his 2011 production of The Wizard of Oz. Not only was he taking an already beloved property and filling it out with shitty songs, but the set design was very reminiscent of the Ozzy, Broadway smash, Wicked. In fact, when the show made its way to Australia, actresses that played Elphaba and Glinda in Wicked were cast as The Wicked Witch of the West and Glinda in ALW’s show. Lazy.
9.) Cats was, in general, a very aggressive film. I really can’t articulate why it was so aggressive, it just was. As we left the movie theater, stunned at the massacre we had just witnessed, my husband remarked that he felt like he should file a police report. Perhaps it was Dame Judi Dench lecturing us on how to talk to cats? Perhaps it was Taylor Swift (the entertainment equivalent of plain yogurt)? Perhaps it was Jason Derulo’s big bukkake-esque scene in the Milk Bar? I don’t know, but I do know that the whole film was in-your-face in a very violent way.
10.) Cats took Jennifer Hudson, a wonderful performer, gave her the best song in the show, and ruined it. When Grizabella tries to capture our hearts with “Memory”, it is truly cringeworthy. This is just one of many moments in the film that seemed downright aggressive. It seems like Hooper was going for an “I Dreamed a Dream” 2.0 (Hooper also directed the film version of the musical version of Les Misérables). Snot poured out of Hudson’s nose (and possibly onto the people sitting in the front row) as she screamed the lyrics to “Memory” directly at the camera. She could’ve killed this song but didn’t. I put the blame solely on director Tom Hooper.
11.) Tom Hooper, who directed Cats and Les Misérables may have never seen a movie musical. We see this withCats’ choreography, which is probably good, but it is hard to say. The big musical numbers with dozens of cats dancing are shot in such a way that you really can’t get a complete picture of the choreography or what is happening. Again, this may be to distract us by the crimes against humanity-level special effects.
12.) THE PROPORTIONS. This is the number one thing I’m seeing in reviews of Cats, a stain on medium of film. Sometimes the cats are as small as a mouse, at other times they are human-sized. What the fuck is going on you may ask…it appears nobody knew or cared.
13.) There is no way a studio would allow a woman the creative freedom that Tom Hooper was given on Cats. An executive at Universal would have absolutely saw what was happening and pulled the plug or found a new director. Cats is the work of a man who had no rules to follow and nobody to answer to, something not afforded to female directors. Think how many good films could’ve been made with the budget of the huge, steaming pile of litter known as Cats.
14.) Yes, I know that Tom Hooper was editing until the last minute. Yes, I know that the special effects have been updated because Judi Dench’s human hand is visible. That is the least of the film’s problems. I cannot think of another film that had to be fixed (no pun intended) the way Cats did, with the exception of Disney’s 1981 film, Watcher in the Woods, which had a limited release in 1980 and was pulled from theaters (Mary Poppins was re-released instead). After reshoots, the film was released in 1981.
15.) There is not one redeeming thing about Cats. Not one. Not one frame of joy or inspiration. Cats is a film that should’ve never been released, at least not in its current state. Look at what happened with the Sonic the Hedgehog film. The studio knew it wasn’t ready. Cats problems are not fixable with a little CGI touch-up. The whole thing is a complete disaster.
16.) Cats was released on the day that the film version of Wicked was originally slated to be released. Instead of Wicked, we got Unfinished CGI Furries on LSD: The Movie.
